The Best Mobile Games to Play on the Toilet

By Published April 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

The final frontier of humankind's very existence has remained a locked door until the recent push by technology's newest powerhouse: mobile devices. Masses of mobile games made a splash when they dropped into the portable gaming scene, and with the worst of those games being flushed-out by user ranking systems, we can now ascertain what the best time-wasting mobile games are to play when mounted firmly atop thy throne.

After sleeping and eating, the next biggest non-gaming activity executed on a regular basis involves a visit to the porcelain dealer. You spend so much time in there anyway -- why not make use of it? Productivity at its finest.

 

Minecraft's Toilet Edition makes for a solid start, but to safely identify the composition of toilet-playable games, we need to first define some parameters: mobile games that make great squatting companions must be simple (you need to divert energy and blood elsewhere -- the brain isn't at its strongest, here), non-infuriating (getting angry may cause harder button pushing and, inadvertently, harder pushing in general -- no need to be remembered for this), and of optimal play duration. After extensive testing, we've designated the best toilet editions of games by play-time below.

In 'n Out

Not every visit to The House of Lords needs to be an overnight stay, so it's important to have games that can be played with rapidity and then be dumped for later.

Ninja Rush

Nothing helps ease the process like a bit of visual stimulation. With your life dangling by the thread of a log-attached-grappling-hook, Ninja Rush is one of the fastest, most propulsive games available for speedy encounters with tile floors. Springing from platform-to-platform and slaughtering all who stand in the way gives that extra bit of motivation.

toilet-ninja-rushHopefully First Blood isn't an objective you aim to accomplish in the bathroom.

Download for Android here.
Download for iOS here.

Dragon, Fly!

Watching this tiny dragon try to achieve terminal velocity and escape its dragon cave is, well, inspiring. The controls correlate with your already-optimized push/release control scheme, holding the screen accelerates our ambitious dragon down slopes and releasing will launch him high into the skies. It's a quick-n-easy game to pick up and play and, perhaps most importantly, has a 2D physics engine that uses a small level of strategy. I know, I know - we told you to avoid 'thinking games.' Don't worry -- this one gets the bye since its strategy doesn't go outside of the pre-existing bathroom mindset.

toilet-dragon-flyChiseled diamonds... need I say more?

Download for Android here.
Download 'Tiny Wings,' the iOS alternative here.

StickMan BMX Stunts

This stickman stuntman whips his tail around and provides that extra bit of distraction needed to pass the time when journeying to the library. Relating to its flash counterparts, StickMan BMX Stunts focuses on one thing and one thing only: Doing cool tricks and getting the most points. It might just be enough to keep a scoreboard in your own facilities.

toilet-stickmanHrrrnngh

Download for Android here.
Download 'Stickman BMX Free,' the iOS alternative here.

The Long Haul

We understand: It can be tough to work up the courage to emerge from the stall after a particularly lengthy visit. The old strategy is to wait until the bathroom's occupants have cycled through (thus decreasing the chances of someone noticing your extended stay), but this can be boring and leg-numbing. That's where games come in. Well, for the 'boring' part, anyway.

Disclaimer: GN is not responsible for loss of circulation.

Age of Zombies

It doesn't get any easier than this. I'll defer to Age of Zombies for this one:

toilet-zombie-age...Yep.

It feels somewhat like the Jurassic Park game for the SNES, but with a bit faster play. Kill zombies and zombie dinosaurs -- it's that simple.

Download for Android here.
Download for iOS here.

Cartoon Wars

Bazooka-firing stick figures intent on using explosive tactics to eliminate their enemies fits any bill. The battle between our split stick people has circled the drain for centuries, but that's where you come in -- under your guidance, it's time to crush those bad stickies. In this tower-versus-tower game, the compelling upgrade system enables persistence between visits to the scheissenhaus, supplying a time-attainable objective with an eye turned toward the future.

toilet-cartoon-warsDisembodied mouths may be the last thing you want to think about.

Download for Android here.
Download for iOS here.

Avoiding the Boss

Before the viability of phones as a gaming platform, visits to the corporate crapper were an undesirable loophole to the whole "do actual work" problem. No more!

Dungeon Village

Not happy with The Poo Poo Palace in your workplace? Build an imaginary kingdom in Dungeon Village (the only 'commercial' game on this list) and sustain a village in this persistent world. It's great for when getting up is more work than actually returning to, you know, work.

toilet-dungeonMy throne, left, has a hidden compartment. It's not for treasure... well, I guess that's a word for it.

Download for Android here.
iOS doesn't have Dungeon Village, but it does have GameDev Story (Android version here, as well).

Whack Your Boss

This one's a bit bloody -- we do not advise showing the graphic contents of this game to your bowels (or your boss). Spruce up the gray cubical walls with a bit of red paint in this somewhat-frightening murder optimization game.

toilet-bossCrazed Game Developers: Finding uses for CRT monitors since 2002.

Download for Android here.
Too gory for iOS. Try this not-nearly-as-satisfying alternative.

Think we missed a game? There are thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of great mobile games out there. Let us know what you like to play in the comments below!

Don't forget to wipe.

-Steve "Lelldorianx" Burke.

Yep. There goes our class.

Last modified on April 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Steve Burke

Steve started GamersNexus back when it was just a cool name, and now it's grown into an expansive website with an overwhelming amount of features. He recalls his first difficult decision with GN's direction: "I didn't know whether or not I wanted 'Gamers' to have a possessive apostrophe -- I mean, grammatically it should, but I didn't like it in the name. It was ugly. I also had people who were typing apostrophes into the address bar - sigh. It made sense to just leave it as 'Gamers.'"

First world problems, Steve. First world problems.

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